Mommy Instinct

Oh man does it suck to have a sick kid!

The little one has respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) which is a really common virus, in adults it's just a bad cold and we usually don't even know it's RSV, in kids it's a lot worse though. It still acts like a bad cold but it's a lot easier to have breathing problems and lung infection, oh and it's highly contagious and takes a good week or two to kick. Major bummer when we have family coming into town and a memorial to plan for my grandfather. Q has been going to the doctor daily and started 3x daily nebulizer treatments, he seems to be on the upswing so we're hopeful that by the middle of next week he will have some of his energy back and will be able to spend time with his cousins.

While it would seem that we are on the way out of this mess, RSV can get nasty and so we still have to watch the boy carefully. Everything I read says to trust your instinct, watch for labored breathing, wheezing, any other signs of respiratory distress, and mostly to trust your gut and go to the dr or ER as soon as you feel like you need to. My husband, mother and doctor would all agree that I have a strong (and good) instinct but I find myself really scared and doubting my instinct a lot this week. I mean, how could I make decisions on my kids well being based on anything less than fact? I know trusting your instinct isn't really a gamble but if I'm good at listening to my instinct I'm equally as good at doubting myself when under pressure, and there's nothing like sleep deprivation and a feverish lethargic child to make me feel under pressure. It all comes back to one question for me - how can you ever really know?

If I had to answer my own question I guess I would say you never really do know. You do your best, you hope you're right, and when it comes to things most precious (like my boy) you err on the side of caution. I can tell myself that, but last night when Q had a coughing jag that made me jump out of my chair screaming for my husband to come quick I had to stop and think about what my instinct was telling me. Was I a overreacting first time mom or was my instinct saying something important? On the one hand I was ready to jump in the car and run straight to the ER. But on the other hand I wanted everyone else to listen to his breathing and tell me what I should do, make the decision for me. I am embarrassed to admit that I also thought about the ER bill that we just got done paying for my husband, what they could and would do for him at the hospital (nebulizer treatment) and my sleep deprivation before I decided that if no one else heard anything amiss then we would just stay home and see if anything else changed. It sounds like a decision someone else would have no problem making but I keep beating myself up for not listening to, or not having a good instinct.

Does everyone doubt their instinct? Does it help or hinder to doubt your instinct? and how?

Attachment Parenting Pt. 1

I have tried many times to write down what I feel and think about attachment parenting but I get so overwhelmed and end up writing nothing and instead making my husband listen to me babble on about one thing or another instead of actually writing it down. I thought I'd start trying to record my thoughts here and maybe I'll end up helping someone or maybe I'll end up helping myself.

I don't think I ever really heard the term 'attachment parenting' before I got pregnant and starting reading about parenting and pregnancy. I have three awesome sister in laws who all had their first children last year. Talk about a wealth of information! It helps that they are also three amazing moms that I look up to a lot.

During a family visit when my brothers partners were both pregnant they turned me onto Mothering Magazine. Through the magazine I found a wealth of information and then through their website I read and watched other mothers talk about parenting and pregnancy. It was here that I first really learned about the term attachment parenting.

Armed with an arsenal of book recommendations I started reading about attachment parenting and you know what I thought when I read all that stuff? 'Um, duh!' This was how I was raised, it's how B was raised, it felt like obvious stuff to me. I honestly felt like 'why do they even treat it like a whole school of thought, isn't it just the normal obvious stuff that all moms do?' - I still feel this way most of the time.

I wish I had a great definition of attachment parenting to share but I'll do my best. To me, attachment parenting means being close with your baby. Physically and emotionally. Being in tune with your baby instead of distant and separate. That's all sort of abstract sounding isn't it? I guess to me it's sort of mentality opposed to a specific set of actions. It's wanting to understand your child and help meet their needs instead of seeing them as distant, manipulative and something to be tamed or trained. Still not coming out the way I want it to...well I don't know how else to describe it because it feels so "duh!!" to me. In terms of real definitions I think the Dr. Sears description of attachment parenting is my favorite. Dr. Sears is sort of the father of attachment parenting. His description is very lenient and I'll copy and paste my favorite part from this page below

7 ATTACHMENT TOOLS: THE BABY B'S

1. Birth bonding

The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture

"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"

Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart.

2. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing

A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity.

4. Bedding close to baby

Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate.

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7. Balance

In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.

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One thing I like about this definition is that it's not absolute at all, there are mothers who don't breastfeed, co-sleep, had epidurals (me), babywear, etc.... and I would say they are still completely AP (attachment parenting). To me it's a mentality and not a set of things you do.

So I've told you how I'm all "duh" right? Well I also have a couple problems with AP. The main problem being that they classify themselves at all. What I mean is that when they do this classification of themselves as AP then they are making a very us/them distinction. As if other parenting styles are bad in some way, or as if everyone not identifying as AP is somehow not wanting to be in touch with their baby. I hate the idea that by distinguishing with a term you create a line that some mothers feel like they can't cross. I have read way too many things about people feeling guilt or shame because they don't babywear, breastfeed, co-sleep, whatever and so they're not in with that crowd even though they share similar morals and would like to be friends. As a mother it's hard enough to feel like you're doing the right thing and if you classify yourself as one particular method of parenting you are shutting yourself off from lots of other moms. Being a mom is hard enough without alienating yourself from the one group of people who you can identify with the most - other moms.

I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this I'm sure, it's been way too long since I took a sociology class and had to write down how I felt about classifications and social groups. But I'm trying and it feels good to examine this so bear with me as I write more about AP in the future.

Be Here Now

I struggle with this. A lot.

I want to enjoy each and every moment with Q, he's the sweetest boy ever and I'm so incredibly in love with him. But I want to prepare for the next stages - solids, tantrums, talking, walking, school, etc. I want to think, plan, read about all the things we'll be going through in the coming months and years.

How do I do both? I don't want to spend my time thinking about what he'll be doing next, I want to spend every. single. moment. staring into his beautiful face, smooching him, and not thinking about anything else.

How could I not?

Teething

We're teething over here. I say we because it's a whole family experience. It's impacting every aspect of our lives and it sucks. It's not terrible terrible but it's not fun either. The worst part about it is that I find myself questioning if each new or changed behavior is teething. Teething is such a joke. I feel so bad for my little guy. Luckily he's still pretty happy, well, mostly happy. He's ready for his teeth to pop through so he can bite me.

OK, so what are the signs of teething?
drool. But that can mean they are getting teeth right now, or sometime in the next 6 months right? Not really definitive.
putting everything in their mouth (hands, toys, etc). Don't babies do this anyhow? This seems like it could be developmental as well as a sign of teething, not really definitive either.
being fussy. Um, babies get fussy sometimes. It could be for a variety of reasons (teething included). Still not definitive.
diaper rash. Can happen for any number of reasons.

The only definitive ways to know if it's really teething that I can tell are these - red, puffy gums with a white spot of pressure or teeth. We have the red gums with the white spots of pressure so where are the freaking teeth? It's getting old. I'm ready for them to get here already. We have days of fussy baby and then days of happy baby, we have days filled with drool, days with less drool, no diaper rash, and everything is in Q's mouth. We have red angry gums and still no teeth. Do you get the point? NO TEETH!

Our two newest teething remedies are an amber teething necklace and a mesh feeder with ice cubes of frozen breastmilk. They both seem to be helping actually. Other things we've tried include - cold wet washcloths to chew on, Boiron Camilia and Hyland's Teething Tablets, those cool ring toys you put in the fridge, our knuckles :)

What else can we try?

Decision Making is Hard

Moms make a lot of decisions. I would say parents make a lot of decision, but, well - In the many discussions B and I had before Q was born we talked about my role as a stay at home mom. One thing we talked about was while B is obviously a parent and involved in all major decision making, there would be a lot of decision making that I would make while he wasn't around. Small things of course but big things too - nap schedules, buying baby stuff, etc. We agreed that as a stay at home mom it would fall to me to keep up to date on important baby related information - health info and all sorts of other stuff. This means I read all the books and then pass on the info, links, or the post-it marked books to B. If you know me you know how much it kills me to have to do all this reading about baby stuff (sarcasmsarcasm). I've been thinking that I'd like to post some book reviews here on my blog because I've read some interesting books that I'd love to recommend (and warn against!). I've been thinking about information tonight; where parents get it, what they do with it, and what information to trust and follow. I find myself being a little bit of a hypocrite on certain things and I wanted to explore that and find my way. I find parenting to be a very windy path and a good chance for some self exploration and I hope to flesh some my own self exploration out here on my blog. Feel free to critique or comment as you wish.
The thing about me being a hypocrite - I noticed this today, well, this particular thing - I was talking to B, making some point about developmental milestones, and I heard myself say "the AAP, the WHO, and LLL all agree that..." but I also know that I don't follow a lot of guidelines given by these organizations because I think of them as outdated, incorrect, or otherwise not worthy of following. Let me qualify that by saying that there are a number of things these organizations recommend that pediatricians themselves do not agree with AND these organizations rarely agree with each other on specific issues.
I feel like a hypocrite because I use those organizations to support some of my choices and I rail against these organizations for their stance on other choices I make happily. I can't have it both ways, but I choose to anyhow.

The one thing that's indisputable in decision making is what works for you (given that you're not actual harming yourself or your child obviously). But then again some people would think you are harming your child for something as simple as... I don't know, but something simple.

I've been spending time with a variety of moms lately and I love being around people who make such different decisions than I do, I like to find out why they do what they do. Not in a critical way, but because it makes me examine myself and it usually makes me go to google and do some more research on something. It would be easy for one (like me) to alienate themselves by being very high and mighty about their decisions and preaching about how wrong people are for doing something. But who am I to talk? I know I'm not doing everything "right". Heck, I'm not even doing everything the way I want to be doing it, but everyday I try to do it better than the day before. I'm trying to move towards my idea of "right" which is obviously different from everyone elses (as it should be).

I have very strong opinions about how my children should be born and raised, but I recognize that not everyone feels the way I do (how boring would that be?) and I honestly appreciate it (for the most part). I'm really trying to make well informed decisions. I don't want to be someone who tells someone else what to do or why what they are doing is wrong just because it's not the decisions I made. But I'll be the first to hand you a book to educate yourself, which is not to say that if you are educated you would make the same decision I would. I like that even more. I love it when I find someone who read the same book I did and came out with a completely different take on things - its fascinating and it usually makes me go re-read the book and get lots more information than I had before.

Education is probably the thing I feel most strongly about. I try to respect any decision that is well educated. I think as a parent it is an incredible disservice to our children to follow pediatrician and government recommendations blindly. When I do follow someones suggest I want to follow with my eyes wide open, reading and trying to understand as much as I can.

Speaking of which, what is UP with pediatricians wackadoodle recommendations lately? I feel like I have read a million and one stories recently about pediatricians saying the most bizarre things and giving all sorts of parenting advice opposed to medical advice. That would make me bonkers!

I think the two things I feel most strongly about as a parent are these: educate yourself and trust (and follow) your intuition. I'm working on both of those.

Thank you for reading these late night ramblings.

Oh, and please recommend your favorite books to me!

World Breastfeeding Week

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

I'm visiting my in-law's this weekend and was talking with my mother in law and my husband about what a special gift I'm giving my son by breastfeeding him. I've been thinking a lot about the argument that most people (myself included) use to 'justify' (not in the bad way) their behavior. The '...and they're okay' argument. Like 'I let my baby cry-it-out and they're okay', or 'we never used carseats in my day and we're okay' - that type of thing. A lot of people I know were formula fed as infants, my mom was one of those babies raised on condensed milk and karo syrup and yes, she's okay. But how freaking cool is it that my husband and I were both breastfed through our toddler years. Especially since we were both preemies. I nursed until 3 and my husband until 4. That's much longer than most kids then and more than most kids now as well.I am eternally grateful to both my mother and mother in law for that and for what a strong immune system that gave us and with all those antibodies and good bonding that we're now able to pass on to our son. I feel lucky to be able to stay home with him, bond with him and feed him from my body. Of all the legacies to pass on to him, I'm very proud of this one. 

Breastfeeding has not been easy for me. A number of people marvel at how good I'm doing - being a mom, breastfeeding, handling all this change that has taken place, etc. It's a little flattering but it's also completely false. Really not true. I wouldn't say I'm doing bad or anything but I'm somewhere in the gray area. Aren't we all really? Breastfeeding has been hard. Pain, cracked nipples, a bad latch, engorgement, leaking, leaking, leaking, plugged ducts, plugged ducts, and yet another plugged duct, nursing strike, low supply, over supply - everyday is a new challenge. I'm feeling my way through it one day at a time and I won't even pretend to have an answer for how to fix any of those things. For me, parenting (breastfeeding included) is a lot of trial and error. A list of good telephone numbers helps a lot too. I couldn't have gotten this far with breastfeeding without La Leche League and the wonderful leaders of my group, my mom, my mother in law, my sister in laws, and Ellen and Nancy (lactation consultants). I can't even keep track of the phone calls I made through my tears for help. Oh yea, the other thing I've learned about parenting so far is how to ask for help. I do that a lot.

Conundrums

did I spell that right?

I feel like I’m not doing a very good job at all this mom stuff sometimes. I’m sure I’m doing fine and as my mom has reminded me - I am the best mom for Q. Whatever that means

I think we may finally be in the stage where I need to start putting the boy in bibs. I’m so sick of changing his outfits all the time because of one reason or another. I think sometimes I change them too readily because of being wet on the front or having some poop on them or something but I don’t know - is my child just more of a mess than everyone else’s? or am I just really bad at keeping him clean? He’s starting to outgrow his small diapers so I put him in a medium FuzziBunz this morning and it fit good around the waist but the leg holes were gaping open and of course I noticed but decided to just leave it. Well now I have peed on sheets and another outfit change. ugh.

So here’s a bib question for you - do I put him in bibs that came with the outfit he’s wearing? Do I try to make them match? or do I just give up caring (which will happen eventually I’m sure) and put him whatever bib I grab first. Speaking of which, I don’t think I have a lot of bibs. Nellie did give me a supercute one that says “bald is beautiful” that wasn’t really accurate for her read headed boy Kieran. Speaking of bibs though - I saw this tutorial for a bib and I really want to make it. Maybe I’ll just make my own bibs and make them solid colored or simple graphic patterns so they can go with most anything….

In other news, I’m going to be hosting a K14 Playdate at my house this month. I had fun at the last one I went to and it’s nice to see babies of different ages all in the same room and get some support from other moms and advice and whatnot. Spending time with these moms is helping me to get outside of my own world/head. Most of them are very mainstream in some things I’m not mainstream about but I kind of like that. I think I’m more mainstream than some people think I am (at least sometimes). At our last playgroup they were all about the moby wrap and we had fun playing with it.

OK, B has had Q for quite a whole now and I should go give him a break. maybe a nap? I took one today but it left me groggy and feeling guilty. Q and I were asleep in bed and he woke up and I wanted to stay asleep so I hollered at B to come get him and little did I know he had just laid down on the couch to take a nap when my hollering woke him up. I was groggy and out of it so I just handed him Q and said “take him” and he did. Poor guy. I think Q and I are gonna go out and buy an arsenal of teething crap - teething tablets, baby motrin, those squishy teething rings, boiron chamomillia, clove oil, orajel? What else??!

I really don’t know when teething starts, I read online all these symptoms and Q has so many of them but how do i KNOW?! Yesterday was the first time I really thought it could be teething because he woke up crying his “i’m in pain” cry and nothing would fix it. Finally the “geographical cure” worked (ie. taking him in the backyard) and I put him in the bumbo and gave him a cold wet washcloth to chew on. He was happier but still a little perturbed - is that teething? I’m not overly certain but I guess it sounds like it. right?