Toddlerhood

Toddlerhood has been kicking my butt these past few weeks so I thought I would share this quote that lives on my bulletin board. I put it up there when Q was just a few months old and I was consumed with making all sorts of decisions about sleep training, breastfeeding, vaccines, etc.. but it really has helped me now as well when I am struggling with diet, discipline and routine.


Peaceful Problem Solving

There are no absolute rules about raising children and no guarantees for any parenting techniques. Raise your children how you choose to raise them and in ways that are right for you. Within the range of your comfort zone, modify your approach for each of your children based on their needs, personality, and temperament.

Address only those problems that are true problems to you, and don't create or imagine problems because someone else things you have them, no matter if that person is family, friend, or expert.

Keep your problems in perspective and take ample time to plot the best course of action. Solve your problems by analyzing possible solutions and choosing those solutions that are right for you and your family. Know tat there is rarely one right answer, and often it will take multiple routes before getting to the best destination.

React, listen, and learn constantly, but always sift what you learn through the strainer of your own personal beliefs and parenting philosophy.

- Elizabeth Pantley

Book Reports

I've really been wanting to start a series of reviews of books I'm reading or have read. I want to do this partially for any readers of my blog to hear about these books and the ideas in them, but mainly I want to write up a little report so that I don't forget these books and what I got from them. I am specifically talking about parenting and education books. I am writing this post now to motivate me to actually do it :) So I'm going to commit to writing about the last three books I read this week. I'm going to write about them this week that is, I didn't read three books this week! Far from it! It probably takes me three weeks to read a book these days. Unless you want to talk about how many times I read 'Go, Dog. Go' this week, in which case that would 8,476 times :) I love having a book loving kid. Anyhow, I digress.

The three books I want to talk about this week are My Child Won't Eat, You Are Your Child's First Teacher, and Good Nights. Each of these books made a strong impression on me and I can't wait to share with them with you this week!

A thought about CIO

My point is this: I very much don't believe in the cry it out (CIO) method of sleep training, but I do believe that crying can be a form of self soothing and only mama knows when the crying has crossed the line from one to the other.

When I think CIO as a form of sleep training I think Ferber, I think abondonment, I think a baby crying until he throws up and finally falling asleep because no matter the amount of crying - mom won't comfort him. When I think crying as self soothing I think of my tired baby fussing and whining in bed/crib (the same thing he does in my arms/baby carrier when he's tired) while he winds himself down and out.

I think moms know their babies cries well enough to know the difference between a fussy baby and a cry of fear and abandonment. In my house we call it the "momma cry" and I hear it starting right now.... gotta run and stick a boob in his mouth :)

Attachment Parenting Pt. 1

I have tried many times to write down what I feel and think about attachment parenting but I get so overwhelmed and end up writing nothing and instead making my husband listen to me babble on about one thing or another instead of actually writing it down. I thought I'd start trying to record my thoughts here and maybe I'll end up helping someone or maybe I'll end up helping myself.

I don't think I ever really heard the term 'attachment parenting' before I got pregnant and starting reading about parenting and pregnancy. I have three awesome sister in laws who all had their first children last year. Talk about a wealth of information! It helps that they are also three amazing moms that I look up to a lot.

During a family visit when my brothers partners were both pregnant they turned me onto Mothering Magazine. Through the magazine I found a wealth of information and then through their website I read and watched other mothers talk about parenting and pregnancy. It was here that I first really learned about the term attachment parenting.

Armed with an arsenal of book recommendations I started reading about attachment parenting and you know what I thought when I read all that stuff? 'Um, duh!' This was how I was raised, it's how B was raised, it felt like obvious stuff to me. I honestly felt like 'why do they even treat it like a whole school of thought, isn't it just the normal obvious stuff that all moms do?' - I still feel this way most of the time.

I wish I had a great definition of attachment parenting to share but I'll do my best. To me, attachment parenting means being close with your baby. Physically and emotionally. Being in tune with your baby instead of distant and separate. That's all sort of abstract sounding isn't it? I guess to me it's sort of mentality opposed to a specific set of actions. It's wanting to understand your child and help meet their needs instead of seeing them as distant, manipulative and something to be tamed or trained. Still not coming out the way I want it to...well I don't know how else to describe it because it feels so "duh!!" to me. In terms of real definitions I think the Dr. Sears description of attachment parenting is my favorite. Dr. Sears is sort of the father of attachment parenting. His description is very lenient and I'll copy and paste my favorite part from this page below

7 ATTACHMENT TOOLS: THE BABY B'S

1. Birth bonding

The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture

"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"

Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart.

2. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing

A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity.

4. Bedding close to baby

Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate.

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7. Balance

In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.

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One thing I like about this definition is that it's not absolute at all, there are mothers who don't breastfeed, co-sleep, had epidurals (me), babywear, etc.... and I would say they are still completely AP (attachment parenting). To me it's a mentality and not a set of things you do.

So I've told you how I'm all "duh" right? Well I also have a couple problems with AP. The main problem being that they classify themselves at all. What I mean is that when they do this classification of themselves as AP then they are making a very us/them distinction. As if other parenting styles are bad in some way, or as if everyone not identifying as AP is somehow not wanting to be in touch with their baby. I hate the idea that by distinguishing with a term you create a line that some mothers feel like they can't cross. I have read way too many things about people feeling guilt or shame because they don't babywear, breastfeed, co-sleep, whatever and so they're not in with that crowd even though they share similar morals and would like to be friends. As a mother it's hard enough to feel like you're doing the right thing and if you classify yourself as one particular method of parenting you are shutting yourself off from lots of other moms. Being a mom is hard enough without alienating yourself from the one group of people who you can identify with the most - other moms.

I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this I'm sure, it's been way too long since I took a sociology class and had to write down how I felt about classifications and social groups. But I'm trying and it feels good to examine this so bear with me as I write more about AP in the future.

Decision Making is Hard

Moms make a lot of decisions. I would say parents make a lot of decision, but, well - In the many discussions B and I had before Q was born we talked about my role as a stay at home mom. One thing we talked about was while B is obviously a parent and involved in all major decision making, there would be a lot of decision making that I would make while he wasn't around. Small things of course but big things too - nap schedules, buying baby stuff, etc. We agreed that as a stay at home mom it would fall to me to keep up to date on important baby related information - health info and all sorts of other stuff. This means I read all the books and then pass on the info, links, or the post-it marked books to B. If you know me you know how much it kills me to have to do all this reading about baby stuff (sarcasmsarcasm). I've been thinking that I'd like to post some book reviews here on my blog because I've read some interesting books that I'd love to recommend (and warn against!). I've been thinking about information tonight; where parents get it, what they do with it, and what information to trust and follow. I find myself being a little bit of a hypocrite on certain things and I wanted to explore that and find my way. I find parenting to be a very windy path and a good chance for some self exploration and I hope to flesh some my own self exploration out here on my blog. Feel free to critique or comment as you wish.
The thing about me being a hypocrite - I noticed this today, well, this particular thing - I was talking to B, making some point about developmental milestones, and I heard myself say "the AAP, the WHO, and LLL all agree that..." but I also know that I don't follow a lot of guidelines given by these organizations because I think of them as outdated, incorrect, or otherwise not worthy of following. Let me qualify that by saying that there are a number of things these organizations recommend that pediatricians themselves do not agree with AND these organizations rarely agree with each other on specific issues.
I feel like a hypocrite because I use those organizations to support some of my choices and I rail against these organizations for their stance on other choices I make happily. I can't have it both ways, but I choose to anyhow.

The one thing that's indisputable in decision making is what works for you (given that you're not actual harming yourself or your child obviously). But then again some people would think you are harming your child for something as simple as... I don't know, but something simple.

I've been spending time with a variety of moms lately and I love being around people who make such different decisions than I do, I like to find out why they do what they do. Not in a critical way, but because it makes me examine myself and it usually makes me go to google and do some more research on something. It would be easy for one (like me) to alienate themselves by being very high and mighty about their decisions and preaching about how wrong people are for doing something. But who am I to talk? I know I'm not doing everything "right". Heck, I'm not even doing everything the way I want to be doing it, but everyday I try to do it better than the day before. I'm trying to move towards my idea of "right" which is obviously different from everyone elses (as it should be).

I have very strong opinions about how my children should be born and raised, but I recognize that not everyone feels the way I do (how boring would that be?) and I honestly appreciate it (for the most part). I'm really trying to make well informed decisions. I don't want to be someone who tells someone else what to do or why what they are doing is wrong just because it's not the decisions I made. But I'll be the first to hand you a book to educate yourself, which is not to say that if you are educated you would make the same decision I would. I like that even more. I love it when I find someone who read the same book I did and came out with a completely different take on things - its fascinating and it usually makes me go re-read the book and get lots more information than I had before.

Education is probably the thing I feel most strongly about. I try to respect any decision that is well educated. I think as a parent it is an incredible disservice to our children to follow pediatrician and government recommendations blindly. When I do follow someones suggest I want to follow with my eyes wide open, reading and trying to understand as much as I can.

Speaking of which, what is UP with pediatricians wackadoodle recommendations lately? I feel like I have read a million and one stories recently about pediatricians saying the most bizarre things and giving all sorts of parenting advice opposed to medical advice. That would make me bonkers!

I think the two things I feel most strongly about as a parent are these: educate yourself and trust (and follow) your intuition. I'm working on both of those.

Thank you for reading these late night ramblings.

Oh, and please recommend your favorite books to me!

World Breastfeeding Week

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

I'm visiting my in-law's this weekend and was talking with my mother in law and my husband about what a special gift I'm giving my son by breastfeeding him. I've been thinking a lot about the argument that most people (myself included) use to 'justify' (not in the bad way) their behavior. The '...and they're okay' argument. Like 'I let my baby cry-it-out and they're okay', or 'we never used carseats in my day and we're okay' - that type of thing. A lot of people I know were formula fed as infants, my mom was one of those babies raised on condensed milk and karo syrup and yes, she's okay. But how freaking cool is it that my husband and I were both breastfed through our toddler years. Especially since we were both preemies. I nursed until 3 and my husband until 4. That's much longer than most kids then and more than most kids now as well.I am eternally grateful to both my mother and mother in law for that and for what a strong immune system that gave us and with all those antibodies and good bonding that we're now able to pass on to our son. I feel lucky to be able to stay home with him, bond with him and feed him from my body. Of all the legacies to pass on to him, I'm very proud of this one. 

Breastfeeding has not been easy for me. A number of people marvel at how good I'm doing - being a mom, breastfeeding, handling all this change that has taken place, etc. It's a little flattering but it's also completely false. Really not true. I wouldn't say I'm doing bad or anything but I'm somewhere in the gray area. Aren't we all really? Breastfeeding has been hard. Pain, cracked nipples, a bad latch, engorgement, leaking, leaking, leaking, plugged ducts, plugged ducts, and yet another plugged duct, nursing strike, low supply, over supply - everyday is a new challenge. I'm feeling my way through it one day at a time and I won't even pretend to have an answer for how to fix any of those things. For me, parenting (breastfeeding included) is a lot of trial and error. A list of good telephone numbers helps a lot too. I couldn't have gotten this far with breastfeeding without La Leche League and the wonderful leaders of my group, my mom, my mother in law, my sister in laws, and Ellen and Nancy (lactation consultants). I can't even keep track of the phone calls I made through my tears for help. Oh yea, the other thing I've learned about parenting so far is how to ask for help. I do that a lot.